April 1st: I am having an affair
with Mrs Schelswig at Number 44.
Her husband doesn't suspect a thing -
primarily because he is confined to an iron lung
and cannot make his way to the summerhouse
where we conduct our amorous liason.
Mrs Schelswig and I smoke imported cigarettes
and talk until the early hours.
Last night, she asked me what it's like
having a brass knocker for a face,
never being invited in, etc, etc.
I told her: 'Shut up and kiss me,'
and she did, powerfully,
as if I were keeping her alive.
She is becoming clingy.
April 2nd: Ha ha, April Fool.
Me and Mrs Schelswig are not involved at all.
In fact, she hardly notices me
when she calls on the Shenstones.
I have decided to give up smoking.
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